A few days ago, I found my 7-year-old son reluctant to go and brush his teeth in the evening. In that sense there was nothing new. I have to admit that the morning and evening rituals are not his favorites. But something was different this time. He was staring into the dim stairwell, clearly hesitant to walk up it.
This wasn’t like him. He’s always been the adventurous, “I’ll do it myself” type. But lately, he’s been avoiding dark rooms, even during the day.
It took some gentle questioning, but eventually he opened up: while chillaxing with his 17-year-old brother, he had seen a scary video, just a short clip that triggered something deep and that one moment had left a mark. Even days later, he couldn’t shake the fear.
Invisible Scars, Visible Behaviors
What struck me wasn’t just his fear; it was how familiar it felt. Because I’ve seen the same thing at work and felt it myself when growing up . Employees who hesitate to speak up in meetings. Talented people who avoid taking the lead on new projects. Colleagues who shut down at the first sign of conflict.
Not because they’re not capable. But because something happened, somewhere along the way, once. A boss publicly criticized them in front of a team. An idea they shared got shut down harshly. A risk they took ended in blame, not support. That moment, just like the one my son saw in the video, might have passed in minutes. But the impact? It lingers.
You Never Know the Whole Story
Here’s the truth that every leader needs to internalize: you will never fully know the weight people carry. You might see a missed deadline, a flat tone in a call, or someone holding back in a discussion. Then you assume it’s laziness or lack of engagement. But what if it’s not?
What if they’re navigating something at home? What if they’re still recovering from a professional trauma you’ll never hear about? What if your “priority project” is, in their world, priority number five?
As leaders, we have to stop assuming that the work we assign is the center of someone’s universe. It isn’t. And it shouldn’t be. People have full, complicated lives. Kids who are scared. Parents who are aging. Health concerns. Emotional burdens. Quiet fears. The workplace is just one part of their reality, and if we want them to thrive in it, we have to lead with that awareness.
Being Psychologically Safe Isn’t Just a Buzzword
Leaders love to talk about motivation, ownership, and initiative. But the truth is: people don’t lean in when they don’t feel safe. And safety isn’t about comfort, it’s about trusting that you won’t be hurt for trying.
We can’t always see what’s holding someone back. Just like I couldn’t see what had changed in my son until I asked, listened, and made room for the conversation. At work, we often assume silence means agreement or disinterest. It might just mean fear.
As Leaders, We Set the Tone
We can’t undo every scary moment our team members have lived through. But we can:
- Create spaces where people feel heard, not judged.
- Normalize mistakes as part of growth.
- Praise courage, not just success.
- Ask why someone seems withdrawn before assuming they’re disengaged.
Because fear doesn’t age out. It just wears a different face.
The Dark Room Test
If you’re wondering whether fear is affecting your team, look for the “dark rooms” they’re avoiding. The projects no one volunteers for. The ideas that never get voiced. The feedback that doesn’t come. Then ask yourself: what video — what moment — might be playing in their heads?
Leading Through Fear with Empathy
My son is slowly reclaiming his confidence. With reassurance, light, and a little company, he’s started tiptoeing into those dark rooms again. As leaders, we have the chance to do the same for our people. Not by eliminating all fear, but by leading with empathy, remembering we don’t know the full story, and never assuming our agenda is their whole world.
Sometimes, the best thing we can give is not a solution, but our presence, our patience, and our willingness to understand.
